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Mothers are Teachers. Did you realize that? The first
thing you teach your child is to smile, then to speak,
to walk, to use the toilet. I bet you are the one who
taught your child the alphabet. You never stop teaching
them. As they grow you teach them to drive. You are a
lifelong teacher to your children. Most moms don’t
sit down with a lesson plan about what they are going
to teach their children. Some of you may have never thought
about yourself as a teacher until you started reading
this article. Those are just the things you do as a mom;
it comes with the job. |
In the looks-obsessed world we live in,
we need to recognize that a big part of our job as moms
is to teach our children to like how they look. It is a
lifelong journey that begins with how a mom focuses on
her own looks. The teaching needs to begin well before
adolescence when the world of looks will become a teen’s number one struggle. Learn
what you can do for your child to help them like their
looks and have a strong foundation to face adolescence.
Because of my work experience as a counselor, I have
been aware of this issue and ended up responding to it
as a parent out of my personal concern for my daughter.
I raised my children in North Dallas, which is a breeding
ground for eating disorders. Each day in my job as a
counselor I was meeting beautiful, wonderful young women
who were trapped in behaviors that were destroying their
lives. I began to get concerned about the messages my
own daughter was susceptible to, even though she was
still a preschooler. I could see the influence the culture
could have over her. In fact, my daughter, Rachel, was
only five years old when someone told her she was fat!
I was appalled! I wanted to scream at the eight year
old girl who made the comment, but I didn’t because
I knew where it was coming from. I could see that although
neither girl was fat that the neighbor had most likely
been told she was fat, and she was just spreading the
wrong facts as she was processing them. I couldn’t
have as much influence over that neighbor girl, but instinctively
I knew that I needed to help vaccinate Rachel from the
body-obsessed world in which she was growing up. Interestingly,
I asked Rachel if she remembered the comment and it never
became a part of her consciousness. I’m sure it
would have made an impact if I had screamed at the eight
year old. What I did was affirm both girls and tell them
they were both growing exactly as God designed them.
I did purposely talk to Rachel about eating disorders
and how damaging they were to the lives of the young
girls I worked with. We had conversations occasionally,
but more importantly, I showed Rachel what healthy body
image involves by how I cared for my body and how I responded
to her. Sometimes I had to protect her from comments
made by family members. I was determined to protect her
self-esteem. My calculations were correct and many of
her friends dealt with body image and eating disorders
to different degrees, but thankfully she never became
a victim to the problem.
I asked Rachel what if anything I had done to help her
like herself so I could share this with other mothers.
Her response was; “It’s not that I think
I’m all that great, it’s just that I don’t
care.” Inside I rejoiced. That was my hope. I
didn’t want to raise a daughter who didn’t
learn and grow from her body-flaws, but I did want to
raise a daughter who knew there was so much to her worth
and value than how she looks.
Now I am encouraging you as a mom to stop and really
think about this problem and how it affects your children.
I want to encourage you to do what I did and take a personal
and purposeful interest in giving your children wisdom
about their bodies and how they are made from their preschool
years and beyond. I want to share with you some of what
I did in hopes that it will help you inoculate your children
from the woeful realities of negative body image.
WHAT TO TEACH AT EACH STAGE OF LIFE:
Preschool Years
I didn’t start out talking to Rachel about eating
disorders in the preschool years. Other than disagreeing
and interceding in the conversation on that one comment
made to her when she was five, I left body image out
of our consciousness. If your preschooler is asking questions
about being fat, etc, then you need to address their
questions with the truth. I do want to encourage you
to consider where the question is coming from. Most preschoolers
are mainly influenced by their home environment. One
woman told me that she decided to pick up my book after
an experience she had in the dressing room with her then
four year old daughter. Her daughter was trying on a
dress, looked in the mirror and said, “I look fat
in this.” The mom was shocked, and also forced
to face the reality that the only place her daughter
was hearing such a thing was from her! The work she did
on her own body image was the best teaching she did for
her preschooler. She learned to like herself and that
lesson was passed down through the rest of the years
they had at home. Use the preschool years to consider
your own body image and recognize that you are modeling
body image to her whether you plan it or not.
Protect your preschoolers from sexualized toys and television.
Children want to please and they receive the message
that they will be loved by how sexy they are. This message
is loud and clear in their world if you do not take certain
precautions in their lives. Use the preschool years to
teach them to be in awe of the way God heals their boo-boos,
and created them to run, skip and jump. When I am teaching
on healthy body image I tell people that I want them
to get to get in touch with “that five year old
you.” A five year old will run through a room
naked if it is just after their bath and they want something
across the room. They are not thinking that their body
will turn others on or that they could be judged by how
they look. They are simply free to be in their bodies
and free to explore the world through the boundaries
of what their bodies enable them to do. The sad reality
is that I’m afraid our most recent
generations will not be able to relate to that statement
of remembering the five year old you. Without the intervention,
love and protection of wise and caring parents, their
body image assault will begin in the preschool years.
School Age
The school age years are important for same-sex peer
interaction. Children are learning how to make and
maintain friendships outside of the family. There is
a bit of individuation going on here. You need to continue
monitoring of their television and media influences
to the degree that you are able, but these are the
years to begin addressing and becoming sensitive to
the ways the peers talk about their bodies. During
these years you teach them how they are unique, special
and different from their peers. You want to get them
ready for the dramatic ways their bodies will change
from childlike to adult-like. Prepare them by explaining
that it is normal for pre-puberty girls to gain extra
weight in preparation for menstruation. Teach them
how to feed and care for their bodies by offering quality,
well-balanced meals from your own dinner table as often
as possible.
Middle School Years
These are the years that body image issues will be most
apparent in your relationship with your child. If they
never have previously, they will begin to scrutinize
and consider what kind of body flaws they have. They
may even create some body flaws just to fit in with their
peers. You do not feel that you have much influence over
them now, but you really do. Enable them to spend time
with peers, but always with a watchful eye, and pay attention
to what is going on in their relationships. What are
they learning to believe about themselves from their
peers and how close is this to the truth of who they
are. When they point out their body flaws, teach them
to accept the imperfections they see by being balanced
in how to respond to them. If your child has a medical
condition of acne, discuss this with your doctor, but
don’t become a partner with them in overreacting
to body flaws. When you spend so much time and money
trying to fix the things they see wrong with them, you
are communicating that this is really a bad thing that
is not what they need to hear from their parent. Don’t
overreact to their complaints but put them in perspective
for them. They need their mom to be the voice of reason
and not exaggerate normal adolescent body growth and
development.
High School Years
I really want to encourage you to be a safe haven for
your child, making it your top priority to show them
that you love them just for who they are during these
years. Everywhere they go, in every interaction they
have, they are targeted with body-hate. It’s
not the intention of the media to create teenagers
with low self-esteem, but since their ads are created
with teens in mind they have to point out everything
that is wrong with them in order to get them to purchase
their product.
Don’t join the chorus of spreading
the emphasis on teen beauty. Love your teen. Don’t
take responsibility if your teen is overweight, or
even if they have an acne problem. Be a welcome coach
if they come to you for help on their body flaws. If
they don’t ask for your
help, don’t give it. If they do want your help,
get the balanced help they need. If it is weight, find
a dietician who can teach them how to eat and exercise
better. Don’t lead them to crazy fad diets.
College Years
The High School and College Years are very important
years in your child’s life. You need to be there
for them, praying for them as they live in this whirlpool
of body conflict. These are years when physical attractiveness
is paramount on their minds. Teach them to trust that
God’s plan for their bodies will attract the
right spouse and help them determine what is right
for their career.
General Message that you need to be giving your children
at every stage of their lives
- You want them to know
that they are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm
139:14). Proverbs 18:21 says that life and death are
in the power of the tongue. Nowhere is this more true
than in the words that are spoken about a body. I have
talked to many parents who would never have dreamed
one comment would pack so much power and lead to the
place where they are paying $30,000.00 to help their
daughter who has an eating disorder. Be aware of the
words you speak to your child and even the names that
you call them in fun. Also, be aware of the words you
speak about your own body.
- As your children grow you
need to teach them that God knows their body flaws.
A lot of North Dallas teenagers are spending hundreds
of dollars on normal acne! It’s
interesting to stop and ponder what God could have
been thinking when He gave pimples to humans at the
same time they are most obsessed with their looks.
Could God be wanting to show them that life can go
on even if you have an outbreak? Teenagers are naturally
obsessed with how they look—they don’t
need their parents to be just as worried! You need
to help them think like George MacDonald writes: “I
would rather be what God chose to make me than the
most glorious creature that I could think of; for to
have been thought about, born in God’s thought,
and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest and
most precious thing in all thinking.”
- You also
need to teach your children that their bodies are the
temple of God. God chooses to dwell in their bodies;
that in itself makes their bodies very special. God
doesn’t
see their body as a place to evaluate their worth.
Rather, God gave them a body to experience 80 or so
years on this earth learning to love and serve Him.
Help them get God’s perspective of their bodies.
- Teach
boys not to talk negatively about girls’ bodies
Guys need to be aware that if they do not over focus
on what a girl looks like they are setting themselves
up for a lifetime of very gratifying and satisfying
sexual experiences. God designed us to develop an irrational
attraction to the opposite sex. But when guys or girls
are over exposed to sexual imagery (such as pornography)
it affects their sexual development negatively and
can lead to sexual addictions that result in unsatisfying
sex and dangerous or life threatening sex. Guys who
do not develop unrealistic expectations of what a woman’s
body should look like are much freer to actually enjoy
the satisfaction that sexual intimacy and relationship
were created to give.
Your job as a teacher in your role as a mom is so
important. I want to encourage you to take it seriously
and be confident that you indeed can make a difference
in your children’s lives. They need your wise
and balanced perspective in this culture more than
ever!
Here’s an exercise that I use in Workshops
and Teachings on Body Image. Ask your child to sit
by you and hold their hands, look into their eyes and
ask them to repeat back to you each of these statements
as you speak them in a loving and sure tone:
You Are Beautiful!
Your body is the temple of God.
You were wonderfully made.
You were knit together by God Himself.
Nothing about your body is unknown by God.
God saw your body before you were even born.
God knows the number of days you will live in your body.
You are created in the image of God.
God knows the very number of hairs on your head.
Your true beauty comes from your inner self.
You can exalt Christ in your body.
God knows everything your body needs.
Because of what Christ did with His body, you are without
fault.
You are forgiven.
You are accepted.
There is no condemnation toward you.
You are Beautiful!
(2 Corinthians 6:16, Psalm 139:13-16, Gen. 1:27, Luke
12:7, Phil. 1:20, Matthew 6:25-33, 1 John 1:9, Romans
8:1)
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Dear
Dad:
You may be reading this because your wife has been to
a conference or reading a book and she is concerned about
how to teach your children to have a healthy body image.
You may be thinking: She’s just
listened to another expert that is telling her something
else we need to worry about. I know how you feel.
At the same time, I know that your wife is wired a little
differently than you. She is probably a little better
at tuning into these things because she has instincts
towards relationships that aren’t as strong in
you. That’s why God gave you a wife. She helps
you just as much as you help her.
If you are a single dad, these truths are even more
important for you to convey to your children.
I thought I could give you just a few tips that might
help you be the dad you want to be in your children’s
lives.
DAUGHTERS
Your daughter is desperate for your approval.
- She looks to her mom as an example for how to be
a woman, but to you to know that she has value as a
woman.
- You
show her that you value her by spending time with her,
speaking encouraging words to her and even by telling
her that she is beautiful.
- Just by taking your daughter
to the park, having a special breakfast date, showing
up at her school with lunch; you are saying that she
is a very important inhabitant of this earth. She learns
that she matters.
A father’s words about his daughter’s
body have a huge impact.
You may not think what you say matters much, but
it does. Be very careful about the words you speak
about your daughter’s body, her mother’s body, and become
aware of what you say about other women. Be careful,
especially at the times you don’t think your
daughter is paying attention. An example is during
a football game on television. What do you say about
the cheerleaders in the skimpy outfits? Your daughter
is listening. Any comment you make that is sexualizing
or demeaning women will affect your daughter.
Your daughter needs you to express love and concern
about her modesty in her dress.
This is an area you know much better than your wife,
but be careful not to overwhelm them. Get them both to
trust you that you only want what is best for them and
encourage them both to dress modestly and attractively.
You know more than your wife how visually oriented men
and boys are. They need you to help them accept this
whether they understand it or not. The manner in which
you communicate your concerns is just as important and
the content that you express.
Your daughter may need to hear certain things from her
mother.
You need to build a very special relationship with your daughter, but some of
your input may need to come through her mom. If you do have concern about your
daughter’s diet or weight for example; it might be wise to discuss this
with her mom and together come up with a solution that always protects your daughter’s
self-esteem. It may be the same with her clothing choices, it might be better
for her mom to express some of the concerns rather than hear them directly from
you.
Your daughter loves to feel that she is beautiful to
you.
This will help her develop confidence and learn not to
settle for a relationship with a guy. It’s the
best way you prepare your daughter to find her way in
the world, not only with guys, but on the job, and in
all of her social interactions.
SONS
Your
sons need you to teach them not to over-obsess about
girls’ looks.
They need
to learn from you how to respect girls even if they
are not acting or dressing respectfully. You can caution
them that telling a girl she is fat is much different
than even speaking those same words to a guy.
Your
sons need your approval about their bodies too.
Be
careful about how you talk about your son’s
bodies too. Don’t tease them. They are very sensitive
even though they don’t show it. Encourage them
to think of their bodies in positive ways and point out
the great things their bodies can do for them. Work in
the yard together or volunteer for projects such as building
a Habitat for Humanity House and show him how to use
his strength to help others.
Your sons need you to teach them about their bodies
sexual responses.
Take is on as your responsibility to prepare your son
for puberty. How did you learn about sex and your changing
body? Was your father someone you could ask questions?
Begin in the preschool years to answer his questions
honestly and openly and he will keep asking until around
eight. After that time, choose special opportunities
to tell him what he needs to know even if he appears
to be uninterested. Protect him from pornography by honest
conversation and monitoring his computer.
Pray for your children to weather the messages of this
culture and help them grow strong against the body-hate
that is crushing their spirits for all the wrong reasons.
A Fellow Father in Christ,
Dr. Brian Newman
Minister to Adults
Park Cities Baptist Church
Dallas, TX
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It’s
just as important to think about helping guys build a
healthy body image as it is for girls. In the last decade
there has been an astounding increase in the number of
males seeking treatment for anorexia, bulimia, or body
dysmorphic disorder. Athletes are particularly susceptible
if they participate in sports that emphasize weight like
gymnastics, track, swimming, wrestling and rowing. Wrestlers
seem to have a higher rate of eating disorders.
The reason for the increase in eating disorders among
males seems obvious. In the last decade the media has
focused much more on exploiting the male physique.
This has done nothing to take the pressure off of women;
it has only served to welcome guys into the ranks of
those being diagnosed with eating disorders. Sadly,
because an eating disorder is thought of as a female
problem it is often embarrassing for a guy to ask for
help. Eating disorders gain more power over you through
secrecy for both males and females, but it is much harder
for a male to admit the problem because it is not as
socially acceptable for him to be addicted to binging,
purging or dieting.
Another form of body image problems that affects males
more than females is steroid abuse. The reason for this
is the emphasis on muscles for males when it comes to
a good body in the view of Western culture.
The etiology of eating disorders is the same for males
and females. Food is really not the issue. The problem
is the painful circumstances that are going on underneath
the food issues such as low self-esteem, family problems,
sexual confusion, sexual abuse, and more. If you are
struggling with addiction to food, dieting, binging and
purging, ask for help.
Typically, guys think girls care more about their body
size and shape than girls really do. When it comes right
down to it, girls are attracted to a guy’s whole
package: looks, personality and abilities. Guys seem
to become more fixated on what a girl looks like and
they naturally expect that girls do the same. The truth
is that guys come in all shapes and sizes, and you need
to focus on being comfortable with the genetic makeup
that makes you, you.
If you have an eating disorder, tell a caregiver or
close friend who can guide you to professional help.
Don’t be too embarrassed to admit your problem
to someone who cares for you and can point you in the
right direction. You are right to feel that some people
just won’t understand, make light of your situation
or further shame you for admitting your problem. Choose
someone who seems to exhibit a knowledge of teens and
issues they face to share the problem you are having
with body image, food or eating.
What Guys Need to Know:
Accept that guys’ bodies come in all sizes and
shapes and your body is unique. Don’t try to be
a cookie cutter. Take care of the body you have, but
accept the shape it grows into.
Be aware of the media pressure that is subtly telling
you that your body needs to look a certain way. Inoculate
yourself from its power by acknowledging that underlying
message and rejecting it.
Rather than focus on what shape your body should take,
focus on how your body serves you. Celebrate the strength
you have and the stamina you can develop.
Don’t hang out with other guys who are body-obsessed;
even consider changing sports or coaches if they are
having a negative impact on you.
Get involved in a Bible study or support group and look
up passages in which God tells you what a body is really
all about.
I’m saddened by the increasing numbers of guys
being affected with body-hate. I pray that you will find
the help, hope and healing that God offers to you.
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This
is a tag that I give out to groups when I am teaching
about how to be comfortable in your own skin. Have you
ever bought a garment that has a tag like this one explaining
that the differences or imperfections are what make this
clothing special? Well, I think we need a tag like that
for our bodies, so I wrote this one.
HANDMADE BY GOD
This body is of quality, detailed construction.
Irregular parts are not body flaws but unique and
personal touches that contribute to the overall beauty.
Slight imperfections and shade variations are characteristics
of bodies which enhance the beauty and should not
be thought of as defects. Each body is meant to be
a unique creation, designed for a purpose and perfectly
suited for everyday use. Every body handmade by God
is fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)
Deborah Newman www.teatimeforyoursoul.com
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